A certain reflection on my inherent nature, have been bothering
me at the back of my mind for quite some time now.
This is a fact that I do not have a sense of belonging to
any place, any human being, any idealism, any caste, any race… when I deduced
the conclusion a few months back, I found the answer to many of my perplexing reactions
to many important and trifle events in my life. I have never grown any root,
never actually settled down…
It is not that I never felt the necessity of settling down
in one place, with own house, a regular job and things like that. These are the
so-called basic requirements of a secured life, which I have learned from what I
saw around me since the day I started to understand the world. But I did never learn to make a good bargain. Till
date I have been very bad at the give and takes of life, so much so that I am
considered a fool by the normal people around. It did pain me to realize that I
was a fool. Yes, of course it did.
When I was supposed to settle down with whatever I had, and
when I was to grow roots, I had to develop a sense of belonging, a strong bond
of Maya that would keep me grounded in the society, yes I was doing so. I was
developing all of that in me, to be considered being normal and do the expected.
I was doing it all to be accepted by those whom I cared for and who counted on
me.
The process of doing the expected, ignoring or not actually
knowing what my own expectations are, is actually lethal. It suffocates. It
kills you slowly when you have no clue.
It is good that I accepted myself. How it happened, is not
clear to me till now. Not that it is important. But finally I have realized and
accepted the inner me. I am rootless, and I do not belong to anybody, anywhere.
Or it can be put like that I belong to every single soul, and the whole
universe is mine.
Is it the Shiva in me? I wonder! Must be, isn’t it? :D
Depersonalisation....:P,
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